I am still here. I don't have any good excuses for my absence so I'm just going to tell you about this past month during which I have been almost completely silent.
It has certainly been a continuation of this season of change and transition, but has proved to be an entirely different kind of roller coaster than the first two months.
I have found myself all over the map in terms of...everything.
Excitement and anxiety attacks have fought for space in my head. My little business has been doing better than I ever hoped at this point, but most days I'm frozen with fear that it isn't doing well enough. I've started really relishing long walks to breathe out some of this stress, but some (probably most) days, it's a real struggle to get dressed much less walk out the door to wander about. I have been extremely blessed in the relationships that I have been given and the friends that I have been fortunate enough to keep during this time, but loneliness keeps jumping out at me from its many hiding places. I get to the end of the day, excited about how productive I've been only to realize that I didn't eat, pray, or love well. Or, on the flip side, I get to the end of the day feeling rested and calm only to discover that I'm guilt ridden for not having been more productive. My relationship with noise has once again fallen into one of desperate distraction and coping.
Oh. And I haven't done yoga for weeks.
But you know? This is my normal. And that's okay. This is my battleground. It's here that God comes and meets me...where he shows me mercy over and over again because I still don't get it. I still refuse to accept it.
Some days I see progress. I manage to keep my balance for an entire day -- teetering, but balanced. They are few and far between, but they're there.
And, each evening sees me warm, loved, well-fed, and safe. I could not possibly ask for more and pray that I would continue to seek after ways of sharing these great blessings with others.